Psilocybin Didn’t Cure Me.
But it was a necessary step in my journey.
The proposed benefits of psilocybin have graced many headlines lately, and perhaps you’ve been curious about the claims. I know I was. I was a member of the fluoxetine club, a common anti-depressant, because the stress of my life was leading me deep into depression. I had just increased my dose about a week before getting fired and again found myself needing to increase before the suicidal thoughts became prevalent. At the time, it was what I needed. It gave me a desensitized feeling to life without the heavy feelings of despair. It kept me from blowing up the place that put me into this position. It kept me from stalking the people I felt were responsible. It was good for everyone.
After about two weeks, I grew sore of the cloudy daze I was living in. I wanted off the anti-depressant.
As many know, going off anti-depressants is a very delicate process. “Cold turkey” quitting, just abruptly ending your dosages, can be downright dangerous. Just as these medications can have disrupting side effects, quitting at a moderate pace can also have terrible side effects. In my experience with in support groups with others who have gone quitting before me, they have found themselves still tapering down dosage half a year later. They often have long standing side effects after every step down. The side effects of quitting have often been said to be worse than the starting of psychological medications.
In an effort to avoid this process, I turned to an alternative: microdosing “shrooms”.
Fluoxetine is a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Psilocybin is a serotonin releaser. This means care and consideration must be taken to avoid serotonin syndrome, where an adverse and very unpleasant reaction occurs from too much serotonin being available. I was fortunate enough to be able to utilize a research pharmaceutical to enable precise, reliable, predictable dosage. By utilizing very low doses, I was able to avoid all unpleasant side effects of ending my fluoxetine treatment abruptly, “cold turkey.”
But then slowly I began to feel the nagging effects of my anxiety creeping back upon me. The twinge in the stomach that feels like taking an elevator down several stories very quickly. That cold stab in the gut that wakes you from a dead sleep and gnaws to life every point of contention you ever felt in your life, including those that only almost happened in your imagination. I took this as a sign I needed to increase my psilocybin dosage to a full therapeutic dosage. I needed to “trip out.”
I am pleased to say my experiences went well. I was able to finally grieve the loss of my job. I couldn’t cry on fluoxetine and this allowed me to release the pressure behind my feelings. There’s a surprising amount of personal liberty to be found in dropping some emotional baggage. But what I didn’t expect was the return of innocence. Experiencing things like they were the first time again, like a child. It was a most welcome mental vacation that I simply can’t elevate the importance of and I don’t think the science takes this experience into heavy account for healing. Imagine for but a few hours, you have no adulting. As in the knowledge of it does not exist in your reality yet. You’ve never heard of paying bills, showing up for work, being on time or ever being expected to be anywhere at all on your own account, not knowing how to tell time and not having any need or desire to. For a few measly hours the universe is taking care of your every need and desire and you know nothing of the responsibilities society is actually expecting of you. For but a few hours, you are in heaven. Afloat on rainbow waves of pure love.
Now in all fairness, it doesn’t usually go that well for everyone and usually not as often as it did for me. Because while the research claims psychedelics have virtually zero addiction profile, I actually found myself addicted. I began experimenting with LSD, DMT, and mescaline. A pandemic provided the perfect opportunity for staying inside and spending money on drugs. Of course, it did eventually backfire on me. After taking 400ugs of LSD twice in four days with only moderate and still functioning intoxication, I took 200ugs two days later and experienced what the community calls an “ego death”. It was like my body was dead and my brain only operating in “safe mode.” Thoughts, memories, feelings, the narrative of YOU runs through your mind, but with pure objective observation. I didn’t have any feelings or judgement until after the movie was over. It felt like it was several hours long. And then the feelings that came were sorted properly. Not through the lens of my feelings, but through objectivity, thoughtfulness, and maturity. Maturity from realizing that how we choose to react and judge our situations is how we shape our reality. Thoughtfulness in realizing we are not promised tomorrow and we can’t afford to spend time caught up in judgement.
I haven’t mega-dosed psychedelics since. My ego death was a very tedious expedition. It wore me out as tripping out is really a journey emotionally and physically. My other problem with utilizing psilocybin is that while it is quick to work, it is quick to stop working as well. It must be dosed on a regular schedule for me to feel steady. Otherwise, I find myself having rapid and extreme mood swings. Microdosing requires careful (and still technically illegal) planning and preparation, even if you live where psilocybin is decriminalized. In Oregon for instance, it is only legal within a prescribed medical intervention environment. There are no dispensaries, so any psilocybin must be illegally obtained for private use. This combination of factors leaves psilocybin a treatment for only the most dedicated. While psilocybin didn’t cure me, it was a very important experience in my personal growth. Months later, I’m still reflecting on the lessons learned during my ego death. It also encouraged me to find other natural sources of medicine that are legal, common, cheap, and easily obtained without hassle.
Photo © Katherine Dyer
